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I spent most of the day in Walmart shopping for my Moms birthday and for a shop I need to do. My oldest was with me but my youngest stayed in the car with my Mom. She has a cold and I didn’t want to subject the innocent Walmart shoppers to her germs.
As my oldest and I shopped I realize what a big help she is. At 16 she keeps me pretty put together. It seems sometimes I am often frazzled because I have 15 things to do and only so many hours to do them in. She is my “calm” one, the one that keeps me from losing it most days. Sometimes I wonder if I put too much on her but when I say that she says “Oh just be quite Mom.” I think she likes feeling grown up. The problem is I don’t like her being grown up. So many times I have wanted to grab time by the tail and say “Hold up, I am not ready. Stop her from getting older.” I feel that way about both girls but Roxy is hitting me harder than ever because in a couple of years she will be gone. I am still not sure how to handle that.
Of course not long after that my youngest will be moving on. I curse the day I thought having kids 21 months apart was a great idea. I thought they would grow up together, play together and be really close. What I didn’t think of was the fact that also meant they would leave the nest close to each other. The last couple of weeks have really been weighing on me because I think about it more than ever. More than ever I want time to stop. But I am old enough ( and sane enough) to know that it won’t.
So I try to make the best of every day. I hold on to every hug I am blessed with ( which isn’t too often anymore). I drop everything when they want to spend a little time with me and I don’t even care if it is just because they want something.
Don’t get me wrong, I am looking forward to some me time. I have been doing this by myself for so long that I don’t think I even know who I am anymore. Will I be able to find myself? I don’t know. I have no idea what the future holds. I just know that right now, #thismoment is important. Everything that happens from now on is important. Because one day I will have to let go. One day I will be alone and I know I will need the memories of this moment to hold on to when I am lonely. But I also know that the moment is going to come when I am going to grow back into myself, and my girls are just going to be starting out. When I see them hurrying, or rushing I will stop them and say “Live in this moment, because one day it will be a moment you would give anything to get back.”
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